did we ever become

I don’t know if you’ve heard yet, but I’ll be a father in a matter of days.

Though I still haven’t had the pleasure of greeting my daughter in a tangible way, she’s certainly begun affecting our lives in very real ways.

One of the biggest is psychologically. Creating and welcoming another human being into the world causes you to put a lot of things under the microscope. It causes you to think a lot about who you are.

And who you’re not.

One of my favorite bands is Kansas-based husband and wife duo Don and Lori Chaffer, known also as Waterdeep. Their music has had a profound impact on me over the last 6 years. They sing a song from whence I stole this blog post’s subject line*. The chorus to the song is:

“did we ever become who we thought we would be
is it ever the case when you run into me
that you think to yourself spontaneously
hey he’s just like he was, he’s just what I thought he would be”

Ten years ago I was an 18 year old high school graduate with the world’s stage before me to play on and engage with the limitless idealism of the hopeless bohemian I still feel inhabits my body and soul somewhere.

I feel as though the expectations of life have proved challenging for me lately though. Truthfully, it’s a heartbreaking reality being a college graduate waiting tables at almost 30. And while I can find all sorts of justifications for my chosen lifestyle (ie, I’m an actor, I’m waiting for my break, blahblahblah) it still doesn’t eradicate the cloud that I feel looms over me sometimes in this area. There’s a constant sense that you’re not doing enough, that you’re not earning enough, that you yourself are not enough to meet the needs of those you’re responsible for. That to adequately meet those needs means somehow deadening yourself to something within that you think is supposed to be there.

Expectations are crushing things. They strike from all sides. Social. Familial. Internal. It doesn’t help that I’m a person who gets overwhelmed easily…just ask my wife.

It doesn’t help that I’m also within striking distance of my ten year reunion. So in considering all of the expectations aforementioned, the cherry on top is interacting with the peers of my youth who may, or may not, have gone on to bigger and brighter things.

Of late I’ve thought a lot about the tiny girl who will enter the world soon.
Enter my world soon.
Enter my arms soon.

What will I pass along to her?

I have many friends who are rather skilled artisans.
One of my friends can build almost anything you need or ask for (and ask, and ask, and ask ). I have a number of friends who are skilled painters. I can’t count the number of skilled musicians I know. Hell, one guy I know can make a hundred-dollar bill appear in a piece of citrus fruit!

There are times when I’m left wondering what I will be able to offer my daughter. She’s coming very soon and who am I? See what I mean? Expectations. What will she expect of me? As it stands I don’t know that I’ll have a ton of pragmatic offerings to give.

But in a few days when she looks at me hopefully she’ll see the love that is here and has been for months. Hopefully she’ll feel the warmth and support of parents who want nothing, nothing at all, more than for her to know that life will not be the simplest of journeys, but it will be worth the living.
I want to be able to look at her and tell her, with the deepest and most unwavering and impassioned sincerity, that this world is meant to be experienced with arms stretched wide.
That the expectations of all need only be weighed against the love and comfort of One. That in Him there is no condemnation.

Hm. What do you know . . . maybe I’m on my way to solving my own expectation problem.

I’ll leave you with this little thought.

*”did we ever become” is actually a Khrusty Brothers song, a side project of Don and Lori’s, but any search for Waterdeep or The Khrusty Bros should eventually lead you to the song if it interests you

~ by nathanrouse on August 26, 2008.